My life fell apart about a year and a half ago. When I say it fell apart, I mean it crumbled into a million pieces that I couldn’t pick up. I felt like I had just been in a major natural disaster and my life was the beautiful home that was falling apart faster than I could try to fix it or put it back together. I was on track to creating the life I dreamed of. A husband that I absolutely adore and cherish, a new born baby of 2 months old that was just perfect, a house we were caretaking and living in FOR FREE with a giant yard that overlooked a massive park. A garden, animals frolicking through our yard. Family and friends surrounding us. My husband owned a business doing what he had always dreamed of-owning and operating heavy machinery. I was the business manager and bookkeeper. Everything was working out better than I ever could have dreamt it would. Then, the police showed up and took my husband to jail. I couldn’t believe it. I sat there, with my newborn baby, staring at a blank wall for 4 hours. I felt like a widow that had just received a call to inform me that my husband died. I sat and thought about all of our past conversations, the petty little things I was irritated about the day before. The moments I should have cherished and appreciated more. I thought I would never see him again. I knew nothing about the justice system. I didn’t know how to get him out. The police said there was a $100,000 warrant out for his arrest. What in the world does that mean!!!??? So I googled and found out I needed a bail bondsmen. I would have to pay 10%. I would have paid anything to get my husband back that night. Have you ever heard a widower say “I would give anything just to talk to him one more time.” That’s how I felt. I thought this was the end. So I gathered $10,000, drove my sleeping baby in the middle of the night to the bailbondsman and waited in the county jail parking lot to see my husband walk through those doors. I cannot explain what it meant to have him back. I would have given every possession I have to have him with me again. There was a court hearing the next day to explain the charges and give you an idea of what things are looking like. It was in that courtroom that I found out that my husband could be looking at a life sentence for something I never knew happened. I was about to lose the love of my life, the father of my newborn child, for the rest of his life. I don’t know how I was able to function. I couldn’t eat, but I was nursing my son, somehow my body provided for him even until this day. I didn’t think I could leave the house. The situation involved a lot of people in my community that I typically ran into every week, or every other week. It involved members of my family. I remember going to the beach and staring at the waves, crying for hours. It was excruciating. And it was only the beginning. I remember googling my situation and I realized that there were pretty close to ZERO resources. I tried to find advice and look for what other woman have done in my situation. I couldn’t find anything. I wish I had realized that the only way to figure out how I was going to be strong enough for this, was to run into my Savior’s arms at full speed. I guess I did know this was my best option, but I didn’t know how to do that. My relationship with God is what my life centers around. I’ll share more about that in another blog.

There are some things I know now that I wish I knew then.

1. You are not an island. You are not meant to go through this on your own. That doesn’t mean tell the entire world. It means tell the people that will show up on your hard days and just sit next to you and bring you tissues. If you can’t find someone, reach out to me. I’ll chat with you. I’ll hear you cry, I’ll most likely cry with you.
2. A good friend of mine gave me the best advice. She said DO NOT play the “What-if” game. JUST DON’T! There is no “what-if” there is only reality.
3. You cannot predict the future. so don’t try. A year ago could you have seen this coming? The future is not real. It’s an imaginative story.
4. Only focus on what you can! There were days that all I could do was plan for the next minute, there were days that I could actually plan for the next hour. This happened about a year and a half ago and for the first time in a year and a half, I have a plan for the next 3 weeks! Up until recently, I couldn’t see past the day that I was in.
5. Don’t try to control the things that are out of your control. Make a list of all of the things you’re worried about. Circle the things that you have complete control over. LET THE REST GO!
6. You are in control of your mind. Your mind is not in control of you. Don’t indulge in painful thoughts.
7. You were made to do hard things.