How?

Because I trust that this will all be for my good. So why would I not be grateful? Here’s the thing-I wanted one blessing out of this life. Just one. I set my eyes on it and I will do everything in my power to make sure that blessing remains.

I want to spend eternity with my husband.

I have made that very clear to my husband and to God.

So God is making it happen. Who am I to question how it is done?

I have lived righteously. I have done all that has been required of me and more. I do my best to jump to the task the Lord puts in front of me.

My place in the eternities is no question to me.

I had no idea that there were things that would have kept my husband from his place next to me.

God did. It was never a shock to Him. The actions of my husband have always been known by God.

He knows what I want. He knows the blessing that I have been striving for. So He is making it happen. My husband needed some serious repentance. If this is how it needs to happen, so let it be. If this is what we need to go through as a family so that my husband is brought down to humility to repent of everything he has done that would keep him from being with me in the kingdom of heaven, I will gladly play my part. I will gladly follow the Lord’s plan. If he is paving the way for my husband to live out the blessings with me that I so desperately desire, who am I to criticize, critique, or complain?

This hasn’t been easy on anyone. God has been hearing a lot about it. I’m sure watching the heartbreak and devastation hasn’t been enjoyable for God either. However, He loves us enough to make it happen. He loves us enough to break what we though was a perfect life. He loves us enough to bring us to this disappointing situation. I would so much rather be dissapointed, hurt, and confused here than when I reach heaven and look around and ask what happened to my husband? I cannot imagine the upset that I would feel when asking, “Wasn’t there something You could have done to help him get here? Did you do everything possible? Did you exhaust every option? What more could have been done?”

Instead of the dissapointment I would feel for eternity because of the short term grief I would have been spared, I am playing my role as a support to my husband while he does everything it takes to return home. If this is the a part in the price that needs to be paid for his actions-so let it be.

A characteristic of God that has become clear to me and one that I deeply admire is His ability to do what He needs to do without the fear or hesitation because of what His children might think of His choices. He makes difficult call after difficult call and He does it for us. But we don’t see the end, we only see where we are now, so we complain, we cry, we throw a fit. Which is part of the process, but what isn’t is when we don’t ever stop. When we keep complaining, when we keep throwing a fit. I took a child care course that mentioned the importance of tantrums for kids. They have no way to relieve or express the stresses they feel. Tantrums are the only way they know how to let it out. So they throw a tantrum, let it out, and then they are stress free for a moment. It’s healthy! I think the same applies to us. But there are limits to our tantrums. There is a point when they become unhealthy. God is in control, and he is unapologetic with his actions, because He is doing it all for us! Then we get mad because it’s not exactly how or what we wanted. What we don’t know is what He has in store.

God is mighty, He created us and the world we live in! I have no doubt in his creative abilities to conjure up something that exceeds anything I could have hoped for. I trust him as the artist of my life. I trust that if he is painting something that doesn’t make sense to me, that He will make it better than I could have hoped for. How could I ever think that I can come up with a plan that is better than what He has? He’s got this. He’s in control as much as I allow Him to be, and I am doing all I can to give him 100% control over this masterpiece. He’ll even hand me the paintbrush and let me choose a few things along the way, I usually try to decline the offer (hasn’t worked for me yet), because at this point, I can’t make anything out of the wreckage, but He can, and He finds joy in it. He knows what He is doing. This isn’t a practice run, this isn’t a rough draft. This is the real deal. This is life in action, this is us living out a test that will determine if we get to live with Him again. Do you think He is taking this lightly!? He is fighting just as hard for us as we are fighting for him. Except He’s fighting way harder. Because the stakes are high. I trust Him. In this battle for my soul, I trust him as my leader and captain. He will guide His troops where they are needed in this battle. He will do all He can for every soul.

That is what I think He is doing by allowing my husband to live out the punishment for his actions, He is doing all He can to fight for my husband’s soul. I will take an earthly punishment over and eternal one any day.

I’m glad he loves me enough to let it all fall apart around me. To allow me to see the truth.

There have been times when I have thought, “is this punishment really solving the issue!? The prison system is broken! My husband isn’t being ‘fixed’ he is being damaged! He’s a good man. He needs help, not isolation and punishment.”

Who am I to know what is right to get my husband to the place he needs to be? Who am I to know what my husband needs to be all that he is meant to be.

I have realized that there is nothing that is too far fetched for God. The miracles he has performed are so above my head. He is creative, He is loving, He is gracious, He is wise. He is a God of miracles. He knows exactly what He is doing. This is all in His hands, it always has been.

If this part of the repentance process wasn’t what my husband needed, He would have made something happen.

Getting my husband out of prison is not too hard for God. He’s done it before for other men. He can do it again. But He hasn’t. So I trust that there is something here that He needs us to learn. There is a reason this is where we are.

Trusting in God does not mean I stop fighting. Maybe all of this is God’s plan to teach me how to fight, maybe God is teaching me something through the fight. My point is, trusting in God is an active role. It does not mean you throw your hands up and sit back and watch what happens. There are actions to take along the way. Some will be shown in obvious ways, some will take some work to find. Either way, trusting in God, is not a passive activity.

I am not bitter, I am trusting. I do not murmur, because I have no idea what plan is in the works. All I know, is that it’s going to be beautiful. Because God loves to make beautiful things. I am reminded of that over and over when I look at my son.

He sent His son to save us, no exclusions. It was a gift to us all. There is no part of our lives too destroyed for His gift to reach. There is no corner too dark. It is not over, this is not the end. This is the start of a beautiful new picture that The Lord is personally crafting. I’ll do all I can to speed the reveal along.

I wonder if the israelites that wandered the wilderness for 40 years with Moses could have seen their beautiful picture sooner if they just would have stopped complaining and cooperated. Every bit of their experience was all for their good. If our eternity is on the line here, I’ll take whatever hard lesson I need to learn to ensure that when I get to the end, I don’t look back and say, “Why didn’t you love me enough to allow me to feel that hurt while on earth, so I could feel more happiness for eternity?”

God has continuously shown me new ways of looking at my life.
What new perspectives have you gained because of your journey?

Tell me what you’re fighting for, or what you realized you need to stop fighting for?

I truly would love to hear from you.