As I mentioned in my previous post, I felt like my life underwent an extreme natural disaster and I was living in the fallen pieces. I was walking through the rubble, staring at broken pieces of what used to be something so beautiful. I couldn’t see how it would ever get pieced back together again. I was staring down a long, dark, rocky, and lonely road. How do you start a journey of a thousand miles? You just start walking.

I spent the first couple months trying not to go out to places where I would see people I know. Which is hard when you live on an island. I went to church every sunday. Because I desperately needed it, but I didn’t want anyone to talk to me or ask me where my husband was. Having a newborn made that easy. I just hid in a quiet empty room and nursed my son while listening through a speaker, then I bolted as soon as the service was over.

I prayed a lot. But I was so heartbroken and confused, that I felt like God had shut his door on me. He didn’t, but it was hard to see past all the darkness in front of me.

I spent every second that I could with my husband.

I cried.

I googled lots of things (how to live in spain as a single mom, single mom jobs, etc).

I spent hours in silence playing the very destructive “What-if” game. Don’t play that game.

I thought of my future and how all of my dreams and hopes of what life would be were so utterly destroyed.

I wondered if I would be a single mom for the rest of my life.

I thought about what all of this would do to my son. What would he tell the other kids when they asked where his dad was? What would I tell him when he asked why his dad isn’t with us? Would he be bullied if he was honest about his situation? On top of it, he was nursing, so he was getting all of my stress hormones.

I didn’t know where I would live or what I would do for work. I don’t have a college degree, or professional training.

Every day I woke up and knew my days were numbered with my husband. Not many people knew. His parents knew he had been arrested, but that was really it, and nobody talked about it.

My husband worked as hard as he could to build up a nice savings for us, so we would be okay.

I lived on the scriptures in Matthew 6:28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.33 Butseek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I knew things were going to be okay if I did all the things I had promised God I would do. Which was to trust in him and love him. I did not turn to drugs and alcohol, which I still consider occasionally (just kidding)! I turned to God. Life is dark when you are in this place. When all you can see is destruction on every side. I was desperately trying to figure out what I would do to take care of things. I wanted to trust God, but I also wanted to be proactive and his answers were not coming at the speed I had hoped for.

That point was the hardest because I knew I was on limited time. I never knew when the final court date would be when he would leave our little family. The waiting game is so awful. But you can look at it another way too. It’s so beautiful. What other time in your life did you have the opportunity to truly enjoy your loved one like it was actually their last moment? There is a good side to everything. It’s okay if you don’t see it right now. What got really hard was when we actually had the court date that we knew he would go in and be taken into custody. When we actually had a date, things became so much more real. There were few people I saw during that time, and it always included tears. Do not apologize for the tears you shed. Shed them. Let it out.

One of my biggest fears was not being there for my son. Living to pay my bills and only seeing my son occasionally because I was working so much. So I looked into how I could stay at home and make a decent living. I found this incredible course. It’s a course that trains you to become a successful bookkeeping business owner. I signed up for it 4 months before my husband went into custody so that I would have work as soon as I needed it. It’s a pricey course, but it paid for itself very quickly with the work it provided. I choose my hours, and I choose my clients. I’m in charge. It was a great career choice. I love what I do.

What I know now that I wish I knew then

1. Just because you had a picture of what your life would look like, doesn’t mean that’s the life you were destined to live.
2. You do not get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose how you react to it. This life may not be ideal, but you can make it into something beautiful.
3. Mourning the loss of your life is an important step.
4. Things may not get easier, but you will get stronger.
5. What’s the point of playing a game if you never level up?
6. GET SOME SERIOUS PHYSICAL EXERCISE

Things I did then, that I’m grateful for now

1. I told everyone that knew about my situation that I did not want their opinions
2. When I was afraid to tell someone the news about my husband, I would start my conversation with them expressing how I would like them to react-with love and compassion.