My husband went into custody one year ago today.

I cannot figure out if I should celebrate, or cry. Honestly, neither feels right.

My husband calls me every morning before he goes to work. He called me this morning and I knew there was something special about today but I couldn’t remember. When he called, I was cleaning a nice potty training mess that came from three days of my son no going poo poo on the potty (more on that at another time). I didn’t even care about the mess I had to clean up, I was just thrilled my son finally did his thing. It was just one of those mornings that you have to try a little harder to show a little bit more patience. So when I cleaned my son, mopped the floor, changed my clothes that got dirty in the process, and started a load of laundry, all while trying to have my morning chat with my husband, I felt a little overwhelmed. I was just irritated and didn’t see a break coming anytime soon. The phone call ended and I realized afterwards that I didn’t even congratulate my husband on making it to a year! I felt deflated and daunted by the day. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the tasks I need to complete for work that I don’t have time for. Then my son grabbed a book and came and sat in my lap for me to read to him. He grabbed the book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.

I see this book everywhere. It has a devotional every day. I’ve seen it at my sister’s house, my mom’s house, and other places. A couple of weeks ago, I was looking through a box of stuff that came from cleaning out my husband’s truck and I saw the book. Then my aunt texted me and asked if I had it. I am telling you, this book is following me. So for the first time, I opened the book and flipped to the date.

November 4. It said;

“Walk peacefully with me through this day. You are wondering how you will cope with all that is expected of you.” …What!? ….

“..You must traverse this day like any other: one step at a time. Instead of mentally rehearsing how you will do this or that, keep your mind on My Presence and on taking the next step. The more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me. This is a training opportunity, since I designed you for deep dependence on your Shepherd-King. Challenging times wake you up and amplify your awareness of needing My help.”

” When you don’t know what to do, wait while I open the way before you. Trust that I know what I’m doing, and be ready to follow My lead. I will give strength to you, and I will bless you with peace. “

We may feel lonely, but we are never alone. We are being watched over. I have no doubt. So what did I do for the one year anniversary!?

I carried on. As I have every other day this year. I did my best to enjoy the day for all that it was. I read books with my son, ate some halloween candy when he wasn’t looking, and got groceries. We even walked across the street to the local pet store so we could watch the fish, birds, snakes, hamsters, etc..

I considered taking time to review all that I’ve done in the past year and make goals for the next year. Then I realized, I’m not ready to look back at this year. It was hard. I went through the darkest times of my life. I struggled, I wept, I mourned, but most importantly, I survived, I grew, I carried on. I don’t want to set goals for the next year because today is one of those days that I can only see the next step in front of me. Even that is a little blurred.

So here is what today is for me;

Today is a day for congratulations

We made it a year.

Our relationship is still strong,

We love each other as much as we always have,

We have come to know each other in new ways, and with new roles,

We are both striving to connect with God and be led by him,

We both have jobs we enjoy.

We are both okay, we can wake up in the morning and get out of bed,

and

We have a son who is blossoming into this incredible person each day

We’re going to make it. We’re going to be okay. We’ve made it this far, we can make it even farther. We will become all that we were meant to become through this.

One year down. We are doing it.

You are too.

One step at a time.

No matter where you are in your journey, you can appreciate what you have become. I would love to hear what you would congratulate yourself on. Put it in the comments. Or send it to me in an email. edolinarandel@gmail.com